and one year later..

Well wowee its been over a year since ive been on this. why did i stop writing all of a sudden? this had potential.
I guess a lot has happened but also not a lot has happened, stupid statement. well, i've had a few romances.. which have been hit and miss's. the first real one was with a dude i met in a club called Rats .. how romantic eh? he turned out to be a weirdo who stopped calling/messaging for no reason.. i think he was bipolar or something cos i saw some sorta pills in his kitchen that he had hid away soon after. crazy pills? i hope so cos that would be validating. he was in some whimsical post rock band that i pretended to like (i was delusional and smitten so anything would have sounded good to me) , they're not successful so that helped heal the wound. and i met other dudes who distracted me which was a series of brief hit and miss's. i met up with this dude i knew from tumblr but he had met my best friend in real life so it was all legit and safe so i didn't risk getting pedo-ed. he was a cool dude but i didn't click with him and he seemed a little on the arrogant side.. which is probably just a judgement from a first impression but you can sense these things. i havent seen him since January and i dont really care. i then met this peruvian dude at a d&b club, we got along like a house on fire, just talked and talked with no awkward pauses (wow!). but i got a bit too silly and let him feel me up the first night outside of federation square by the Yarra. kinda scummy. we did end up going on a second date which went well but he kept encouraging me to drink a lot and got a little sleezy, which worked cos i ended up fucking him. woops. and i never saw him again! he only texted to ensure i wasnt up the duff cos the condom leaked. oh well kif kif i soon discovered after facebooking him that hes a conservative chauvinist so that wouldnt have worked anyway. and then there was my video store boy. oh video store boy . the most treasured romance i think ill have for quite some time, he was so so great. it started out as an unrequited love from a distance sorta thing. i was a regular customer and sorta joked about being infatuated with him, blogged about it, immaturely brought my friends in with me to the vid store to check him out. but i was actually really obsessed with him, trying to find him on the internet and failing. so one night i just got semi tipsy and marched in and asked him out. success! he was so nice and on our first date at a little pub we chatted about music and his favourite writer Bukowski and then he invited me back to his 'to get some beers and pizza and listen to some records' ahhhhh that night was heaven. even though i had sworn not to sleep with him on the first date, it happened just after he showed me his impeccable cd collection and i had pulled out Joni Mitchell's Blue and he had proceeded to play his favourite JM album Hejira I believe it was, next thing i know we're in bed.

that romance lasted over two months, as soon as i thought we were legit he called it quits. ouch. he said he wants to be alone and still wants to be friends. i took it well when he told me but as soon as he walked out out i lost it, i didn't cry but i had this strange overwhelming feeling. like i had been hit by a great force. i couldn't sleep nor eat, i felt ill. i did go to work the next day but boy i felt rough. its been a month now and i still think about him everyday, though i dont feel hurt anymore. ive accepted it but theres still a great feeling of love for him, he was so beautiful and i dont know how any other guy could match him. my bar of standards has been raised! the thing is he wasnt some successful mega hunk, he was so humble and well, he was just a simple average dude.

a simple average dude.

its funnyhow everything can seem so great and perfect one minute, but then you go somewhere else and its so much better. i left adelaide in 2008 to begin my new life in melbourne. i thought it was the best idea at the time, i was bored and felt isolated in tiny tiny adelaide and the grass was definitely looking greeener on the other side. i was also lovestruck, i had met my first boyfriend in melbourne and i guess that was the dealmaker, the thing that made my decision easier to make. was it a mistake? i think so in a way but i always have to remind myself that i can't stay in adelaide forever, its a dead city, opportunities are limited especially if i was to still be interested inn getting into film or art. 2009 was a miserable year, my anxiety worsened and i made stupid decisions and acted strangely. so far 2010 is improving, ive started to see a psychologist and she has helped me immensely with my issues. and of coarse i have a great fulltime job that allows me to work in a relaxing environment whilst gaining some skills and confidence along the way. i should be very greatful, but i still feel like crap. everything i want is back in adelaide now, i feel love there, as opposed to here in melbourne where i feel isolated again. i have little friends here, i only have one 'rock' (i guess thats better than none), however i feel we do not connect fully at an emotional level.. ive known her for almost 10 years and we get along amazingly but i think there is one thing we lack.. i cannot pinpoint it though..
as i evaluate this through my writing and processing it through my head i now understand that im trying to be as smart and logical about it as i can. by staying in melbourne and not giving up this great job for the love and comfort in adelaide. maybe adelaide is like a temptress trying to pull me away from my new responisbilites and the new improved me. adelaide could represent what i had used to be.. a quiet, afraid, indulgent person who depended on others to protect me. living in melbourne has taught me that i have to work for what i want and need, to be persistant and learn to love what at first seems daunting and hard. i have faced a lot of rejection and disapointment over the past year and look where i am now... not bad.. if only that stupid part of my brain could just stop yearning for something thats not here. im getting to sentimental and idealistic about moving back to adelaide. everything seems so much easier and nicer over there. thats my problem, im attracted to what seems more pleasant and easy to come by, why cant i be attracted to a challenge? why can't i WANT to aim for something higher? like those daredevils that want to jump over 20 trucks through fire rings and man eating sharks on a motorbike.... why cant i be a...milder...version of that? so maybe my personality is naturally the opposite of that, which it seems that way, but where will that get me? i want to be a success, not a failer like some few selected family members.... i know theyve failed because of their simular traits... *laziness*, *being too good for everything*, *fear of stepping outside the comfort zone*... how lame is that!? i dont want to be another end product of that!

So to move back to comforting, loving, quiet little adelaide (lets call adelaide the "bed" of life: comfort and being spooned.)
or stay in lonely, big, snobby and tough mama Melbourne? (lets call melbourne... Tough Mama Melby.. a cold hearted yet successful businesswoman: get cool stuff and learning the hard way)

Anxiety

I have social anxiety, which is common. I get extremely nervous and stressed in certain social situations and my body reacts in a strange way. But, whatever, that's cool.
What I have come to notice is I get distressed when I see something visually unappealing, I don't know if this is normal but I've never heard of a term to classify it yet. I was sitting at my desk, filling in time at work, doodling some geometric style drawing, shading in the squares, etc etc. Then I made a boo boo with the drawing, it came out wrong and a headache started to form as I was trying to fix it. I couldn't stand to see this drawing, its inconsistency made me feel physically sick. Hang on, isn't this like OCD? Probably, but headaches? Is that normal? Or is that too much coffee in my system? Enough with the rhetorical questions? Yes.
Don't you ever look at somebodies ugly shoes and just want to make them take them off and throw them into a burning pit? I remember multiple different times when I'd just stare at somebody's ugly shoes (it often seems to be shoes in particular) and wonder, why? Why did you pick those? What could you possibly see in that? Its a travesty! I find bad shoes more offending than a t-shirt with a semi sexist slogan, ("Lets toss a coin, I win both ways cos I'll either get head or tail") .
I have a headache now, maybe its the ugly formatting of this site.

what am i doing here?

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suits

On the tram this morning, peak hour, crowded, mainly business men, fully engaged with their iPhones. My headphones broke a few weeks ago so I've become more intuitive of other people on public transport nowadays. My hearing has probably improved too, thank goodness. What I have noticed lately is how deceiving business men are. You'd think they would be as straight as an arrow, no shocking history or past that conflicts with what they are now. My ultra good hearing detected that the businessman sitting next to me was listening to heavy metal. A bald, mid thirties, slightly overweight man playing sodoku on his flashy gadget was listening to metal music. I found that funny. Then I tried to picture him 15 or 20 years ago, whether he was in the grunge/metal scene back in the early 90s. Look at him now, I would have never guessed. Now the guy next to him, he was younger, early 30s, gel in his hair, listening to trance. I guess I could see it, but I couldn't imagine this guy at a club dancing hard-style on ecstasy, or am I being too stereotypical?

Giddy up!

May I introduce myself... Well not fully. I'm 18, female and Australian. I tend to write long sentences so bare with me. My year 12 English teacher hated me because I found it impossible to separate my long sentences. Writing has never been my thing, but ever since I had recently found myself employed fulltime I feel its something I should brush up on, as well as something to fill in the many mundane gaps of my day. I am a receptionist if you're wondering.

I don't know where to start...