its funnyhow everything can seem so great and perfect one minute, but then you go somewhere else and its so much better. i left adelaide in 2008 to begin my new life in melbourne. i thought it was the best idea at the time, i was bored and felt isolated in tiny tiny adelaide and the grass was definitely looking greeener on the other side. i was also lovestruck, i had met my first boyfriend in melbourne and i guess that was the dealmaker, the thing that made my decision easier to make. was it a mistake? i think so in a way but i always have to remind myself that i can't stay in adelaide forever, its a dead city, opportunities are limited especially if i was to still be interested inn getting into film or art. 2009 was a miserable year, my anxiety worsened and i made stupid decisions and acted strangely. so far 2010 is improving, ive started to see a psychologist and she has helped me immensely with my issues. and of coarse i have a great fulltime job that allows me to work in a relaxing environment whilst gaining some skills and confidence along the way. i should be very greatful, but i still feel like crap. everything i want is back in adelaide now, i feel love there, as opposed to here in melbourne where i feel isolated again. i have little friends here, i only have one 'rock' (i guess thats better than none), however i feel we do not connect fully at an emotional level.. ive known her for almost 10 years and we get along amazingly but i think there is one thing we lack.. i cannot pinpoint it though..
as i evaluate this through my writing and processing it through my head i now understand that im trying to be as smart and logical about it as i can. by staying in melbourne and not giving up this great job for the love and comfort in adelaide. maybe adelaide is like a temptress trying to pull me away from my new responisbilites and the new improved me. adelaide could represent what i had used to be.. a quiet, afraid, indulgent person who depended on others to protect me. living in melbourne has taught me that i have to work for what i want and need, to be persistant and learn to love what at first seems daunting and hard. i have faced a lot of rejection and disapointment over the past year and look where i am now... not bad.. if only that stupid part of my brain could just stop yearning for something thats not here. im getting to sentimental and idealistic about moving back to adelaide. everything seems so much easier and nicer over there. thats my problem, im attracted to what seems more pleasant and easy to come by, why cant i be attracted to a challenge? why can't i WANT to aim for something higher? like those daredevils that want to jump over 20 trucks through fire rings and man eating sharks on a motorbike.... why cant i be a...milder...version of that? so maybe my personality is naturally the opposite of that, which it seems that way, but where will that get me? i want to be a success, not a failer like some few selected family members.... i know theyve failed because of their simular traits... *laziness*, *being too good for everything*, *fear of stepping outside the comfort zone*... how lame is that!? i dont want to be another end product of that!

So to move back to comforting, loving, quiet little adelaide (lets call adelaide the "bed" of life: comfort and being spooned.)
or stay in lonely, big, snobby and tough mama Melbourne? (lets call melbourne... Tough Mama Melby.. a cold hearted yet successful businesswoman: get cool stuff and learning the hard way)