its funnyhow everything can seem so great and perfect one minute, but then you go somewhere else and its so much better. i left adelaide in 2008 to begin my new life in melbourne. i thought it was the best idea at the time, i was bored and felt isolated in tiny tiny adelaide and the grass was definitely looking greeener on the other side. i was also lovestruck, i had met my first boyfriend in melbourne and i guess that was the dealmaker, the thing that made my decision easier to make. was it a mistake? i think so in a way but i always have to remind myself that i can't stay in adelaide forever, its a dead city, opportunities are limited especially if i was to still be interested inn getting into film or art. 2009 was a miserable year, my anxiety worsened and i made stupid decisions and acted strangely. so far 2010 is improving, ive started to see a psychologist and she has helped me immensely with my issues. and of coarse i have a great fulltime job that allows me to work in a relaxing environment whilst gaining some skills and confidence along the way. i should be very greatful, but i still feel like crap. everything i want is back in adelaide now, i feel love there, as opposed to here in melbourne where i feel isolated again. i have little friends here, i only have one 'rock' (i guess thats better than none), however i feel we do not connect fully at an emotional level.. ive known her for almost 10 years and we get along amazingly but i think there is one thing we lack.. i cannot pinpoint it though..
as i evaluate this through my writing and processing it through my head i now understand that im trying to be as smart and logical about it as i can. by staying in melbourne and not giving up this great job for the love and comfort in adelaide. maybe adelaide is like a temptress trying to pull me away from my new responisbilites and the new improved me. adelaide could represent what i had used to be.. a quiet, afraid, indulgent person who depended on others to protect me. living in melbourne has taught me that i have to work for what i want and need, to be persistant and learn to love what at first seems daunting and hard. i have faced a lot of rejection and disapointment over the past year and look where i am now... not bad.. if only that stupid part of my brain could just stop yearning for something thats not here. im getting to sentimental and idealistic about moving back to adelaide. everything seems so much easier and nicer over there. thats my problem, im attracted to what seems more pleasant and easy to come by, why cant i be attracted to a challenge? why can't i WANT to aim for something higher? like those daredevils that want to jump over 20 trucks through fire rings and man eating sharks on a motorbike.... why cant i be a...milder...version of that? so maybe my personality is naturally the opposite of that, which it seems that way, but where will that get me? i want to be a success, not a failer like some few selected family members.... i know theyve failed because of their simular traits... *laziness*, *being too good for everything*, *fear of stepping outside the comfort zone*... how lame is that!? i dont want to be another end product of that!

So to move back to comforting, loving, quiet little adelaide (lets call adelaide the "bed" of life: comfort and being spooned.)
or stay in lonely, big, snobby and tough mama Melbourne? (lets call melbourne... Tough Mama Melby.. a cold hearted yet successful businesswoman: get cool stuff and learning the hard way)

Anxiety

I have social anxiety, which is common. I get extremely nervous and stressed in certain social situations and my body reacts in a strange way. But, whatever, that's cool.
What I have come to notice is I get distressed when I see something visually unappealing, I don't know if this is normal but I've never heard of a term to classify it yet. I was sitting at my desk, filling in time at work, doodling some geometric style drawing, shading in the squares, etc etc. Then I made a boo boo with the drawing, it came out wrong and a headache started to form as I was trying to fix it. I couldn't stand to see this drawing, its inconsistency made me feel physically sick. Hang on, isn't this like OCD? Probably, but headaches? Is that normal? Or is that too much coffee in my system? Enough with the rhetorical questions? Yes.
Don't you ever look at somebodies ugly shoes and just want to make them take them off and throw them into a burning pit? I remember multiple different times when I'd just stare at somebody's ugly shoes (it often seems to be shoes in particular) and wonder, why? Why did you pick those? What could you possibly see in that? Its a travesty! I find bad shoes more offending than a t-shirt with a semi sexist slogan, ("Lets toss a coin, I win both ways cos I'll either get head or tail") .
I have a headache now, maybe its the ugly formatting of this site.

what am i doing here?

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suits

On the tram this morning, peak hour, crowded, mainly business men, fully engaged with their iPhones. My headphones broke a few weeks ago so I've become more intuitive of other people on public transport nowadays. My hearing has probably improved too, thank goodness. What I have noticed lately is how deceiving business men are. You'd think they would be as straight as an arrow, no shocking history or past that conflicts with what they are now. My ultra good hearing detected that the businessman sitting next to me was listening to heavy metal. A bald, mid thirties, slightly overweight man playing sodoku on his flashy gadget was listening to metal music. I found that funny. Then I tried to picture him 15 or 20 years ago, whether he was in the grunge/metal scene back in the early 90s. Look at him now, I would have never guessed. Now the guy next to him, he was younger, early 30s, gel in his hair, listening to trance. I guess I could see it, but I couldn't imagine this guy at a club dancing hard-style on ecstasy, or am I being too stereotypical?

Giddy up!

May I introduce myself... Well not fully. I'm 18, female and Australian. I tend to write long sentences so bare with me. My year 12 English teacher hated me because I found it impossible to separate my long sentences. Writing has never been my thing, but ever since I had recently found myself employed fulltime I feel its something I should brush up on, as well as something to fill in the many mundane gaps of my day. I am a receptionist if you're wondering.

I don't know where to start...